Teen angst

As of late, I've been attempting to discover why I am such an idiot.

Every good thing that comes into my life, I push away. Every opportunity with every girl, I just throw them all away. Once anyone gets too interested in me and starts liking me, I run away from them. What is fucking wrong with me?

I over analyze. I over think. And once I start this process of analyzing, my thoughts get trapped in a cycle and I just think over and over. Until I can't take it anymore. And I fucking run away.

Why do I instinctively shy away from love? Why do I instinctively protect my heart? I guess I'm just scared of getting hurt. I hate this post, I hate my thoughts, I hate this manic-depression, most of all - I hate complicating things.

Here Comes The Sun.

Emmy The Great is the new object of my music addiction. I am so completely and thoroughly impressed with all of her songs. Its strange; it seems like the musicians I fall for the hardest are the ones I listen to at random or on a whim. Why this is, I will never be certain. Whatever, I cannot complain.

Things really do get worse before they get better. I find myself at this conclusion so often; as a matter of fact, I think it's my fuckin' motto or something. Yesterday was a bad time, but today is getting much better. My life goes through so many ups and downs in the blink of an eye, its ridiculous.

I am working to embrace possibility and deciding how I can achieve a better future. I am standing on the edge of deep, cool water. I am a second away from emerging myself in unprecedented and absolute feeling.

recent american history

here is a startlingly accurate display of what i learn each day at my high school. needless to say, i have a 4.0, lolzz.

Friends are people that you think are your friends

I suppose that Jeffrey Lewis stated the true nature of friendship best in his song "Life",
Friends are people that you can talk with/Some will talk about that/Some will talk about this/But everyone changes and forever is a myth/Friends are the people that you can talk with/Alot of them will leave but there's only a few you're gonna miss...
Lately I've been evaluating the friendship of one of my best friends. I've had my suspicions for a while that his friendship wasn't really... erm.. "authentic". I just didn't want to face it. I think that I'm beginning to open my eyes and percieve things as they truly are rather than how I wish they were. It feels like a divorce though because this is, as I said, one of my best friends. In fact, when I think of friends he is one of the only two people that come straight to mind. I've been so blind lately about this person's true antics. It's starting to rub this friendship thin. We will see how much more of this I can stand.

A trace through the wires reveal he's calling from the upstairs bedroom....

My family bought a new phone. When someone calls an electronic female voice announces the caller's identity. I can just see all types of scary shit happening with this. Someone calls in the middle of the night, the voice says the name of your dead brother. Or Satan. or Charles Manson. the possibilities are endless. It's really a funky little gadget when you think about it. If I worked for the company that created these machines, I'd fuck them all up to say various names and phrases. "You're in the house of the dead, Nadine!", or an electronic demonic zombie voice screaming "We'll swallow your soul!". Sounds like a good plot for an American version of a Japanese horror film.

Introducing, for your reading pleasure....

I suppose that it's only appropriate for the initial post in any blog to introduce the writer and give more details about the nature of the blog, and this is no exception.

When it comes to writing about my thoughts and day to day happenings, I avidly (and often sporadically) update on LiveJournal.com. Unfortunately, one will find that my entries are rushed and hardly reader-friendly. No matter how hard I try to post regularly, the posts remain inconsistent, and the abundance of gaps in the time line of my life is almost comical, or perhaps just confusing if you're a stranger to my ways. So what is it that people blog about? For the nature of this particular blog, I'm going to try something a little different than the methods with which I've previously written using. I want for this blog to be a less intimate platform for emotion, less angst and raw passionate feeling. Rather, I will use this to keep track of concepts and ideas, I may also record events occurring in everyday life. Overall, I want this blog to be a little more presentable to people than my journal seems to be. However, if one day you find yourself low enough to want to read something more in depth, more personal, you can look up cats_are_gray on LiveJournal.com. This is of course, if you want to know all of my deepest darkest secrets. If you believe you can handle them.

This is all about persuading you to believe I am a person, persuading myself to believe that I have substance.

As for the writer herself, you shall identify me by the name Melissa Rose. I am a living, breathing, feeling person. Every day, I am changing and growing and mutating. I find it a wee, tiny, dust sized bit more possible than impossible to describe myself, and will therefore substitute a lengthy description of my personality with a quote from the novel Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk. "Nothing of me is original, I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known."

Thank you for reading.